Saturday, April 9, 2011

Breast Cancer

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this post.  A few days ago my aunt sent me a message on Facebook telling me that she has Breast Cancer.  I have known, for about a week, that the doctors thought she had cancer but we were waiting for the results of her biopsy.  Even after reading the message and seeing the words 'Breast Cancer', it didn't really hit home.  I cried for a minute or two, but nothing more. 

Today I went to my mother's house to drop off some deer meat for my father and spoke to my mother about my aunt.  I had so many questions but didn't know where to start.  So I asked my mother the obvious, "Are they sure?  I mean did she get her test results back or is she just guessing?"  I knew in my heart what the answer was going to be, but I thought if I just down play the situation then it couldn't possibly be true.  We have NEVER had Breast Cancer in our family, so this couldn't be happening.  If I don't admit that it's true, then it CAN'T be true, right?

Just as I was about to leave my mom's her phone rang, it was my aunt.  I asked if I could speak with her, so my mom handed the phone to me.  I immediately made light of the fact that I was talking to her; asked her how she was, when she was going to come to town, told her how much I missed her and pretty much tried to avoid the topic of cancer.  My aunt then asked if I had received the message on Facebook and I burst into tears.  I told her again how much I loved and missed her and asked her if she was sure.  She confirmed that the results had come back and that they would be starting treatment within the next week.  I was mortified, heart broken and in complete shock!  I couldn't believe my ears.  This can't be true, it just CAN'T!!!!

After leaving my mother's house, we headed home.  I was in total shock.  I cried the entire 10 minutes it took us to drive home, so many thoughts running through my head.  My children knew I was upset, I try to avoid letting them see mommy 'hurting', but this, this I could not hide.  I did not want to hide it.  At this very moment nothing in the world mattered to me except that stupid, debilitating, awful, evil, unacceptable word 'CANCER.'

With every inch of my being I HATE THE WORD CANCER!!!  Not just because I know it's a horrible disease that affects every human being in one way or another, but because our families have been plagued with cancer so many times I have lost count.  We have lost too many loved ones, have been by our loved one's sides during treatment, have shed too many tears and had too many sleepless nights due to this terrible, crappy disease!  And now, only a few short years later I am having to face this DEMON, yet again.  This isn't fair, it's just NOT fair!

The rest of my day has been a complete blur.  Every time I look in the mirror, look at my children, look at my husband, my pets, every time I take a breath I burst into tears.  I know it's not me that has Breast Cancer but I am having a difficult time accepting that this disease has crept back into our lives once again.  I want the word to disappear.  I want the hurt and the tears to stop, but most of all I don't want to face reality.

Our family has a very long road ahead of us and to be honest I don't know, at this moment, how I am going to find the strength to handle each new day.  When I wake I will think of my aunt and the horrible treatments she must endure and knowing I can't be by her side, because she lives so far away, makes me hurt all over again.  I want to be strong, I need to be strong, I have to be strong, but I don't know how.  I have been the rock in our family for many years and suddenly I feel this rock crumbling, deteriorating and I feel completely out of control.  I wish I could find a way to freeze time, turn back the hands of time and go back to a much happier place, a much happier life.

With all of this being said, I will end this post.  I can't type or read through my tears.  My hands are shaking, my heart is aching, my head is reeling and my soul seems to be drifting away and wanting to die.  I'm trying to find a way to express my feelings in a more positive manner but at this very moment I don't think there is any way to look at this situation in a positive way. 

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